The mind can be so tricky when you don’t understand how it works. I grew up thinking that I must believe the thoughts I have about myself, and that’s exactly what most people do when they don’t understand. I personally suffered with insecure thinking about myself and never could see my mental health and wellbeing. I grew up feeling very anxious about being in any spotlight. Public speaking and anything to do with people focusing their attention on me made me feel absolutely ill. I felt like I was incapable of it. The thought of having to speak in front of people who could judge me, laugh at me, or mock me was horrific and a literal nightmare. I sometimes would get sick before school and my mom would say a prayer with me before getting out of the car to head to class, just to try and calm my nerves. Looking back, I thank her for doing her best to regulate my mind. Sometimes it helped but other times, I was still a complete ball of anxiety.

The mind can really fool you into thinking that because we feel a certain way, it must be true. That the thoughts we have make up who we are. I felt uncomfortable in many public situations and that caused me to believe I was shy and incapable of public speaking. I felt like I was missing something inside of me that other people had, and because of it, I believed that something was wrong with me. I really believed that I was built differently than others and there was no changing it. I struggled with the thoughts of guilt and shame for feeling that way and believed that it was my foundation and core. Until I began working at SPARK, being shy and unable to speak in front of groups of people was my truth and I didn’t see any other part of me that made it look possible.

At age 24, with a new perspective of the mind and mental health thanks to SPARKs mentoring programs, I began looking in the new direction of my worth, confidence and potential. I discovered a whole other side of me that I never shined light on before. I started to see my old, insecure thoughts were literally made-up ideas I had about myself. My confidence was never lost or stolen from me. It was never gone; I just wasn’t seeing it when I was in uncomfortable situations. I learned that the mind likes to keep you safe by staying in your comfort zone because that’s where we all feel most comfortable. That’s just your mind doing what it was designed to do, and when I learned that I started taking it less personal. My anxiousness was just a habitual emotion and a shortcut to try and ease my mind. It was literally doing its job and that didn’t mean something was wrong with me! I began to see that If I really wanted to, I was completely capable of working through those uncomfortable emotions and doing the things even if I was terrified to do them. It was kind of like I’ve been looking through a fog of insecurity and unable to see anything else about myself but that. In that moment, I remember looking back at my life as a child and seeing that I was so blinded by the fog, I couldn’t see anything else about myself.

Once I realized there was more to me than the fog that I felt stuck in, I started to explore in other areas that I didn’t know existed – areas where I found clarity and peace knowing I am so much more than what I sometimes think about myself. My core and foundation of wellbeing, confidence and resilience were always there but extremely covered up by the insecure thoughts I was feeding.

When human potential and self-worth are uncovered, growth, compassion and self-love are born. Over and over again. Because the mind is fluid, thoughts come and go constantly, and they definitely do not define who we are. My insecurities are not who I am, it’s just how I’m feeling, which comes and goes, and that doesn’t take away from my ability to do anything I want. What a relief to know that I can do anything and be anything I want by simply being aware and getting out of my own way.

My truth, my SPARK, and my confidence is always on the other side of the fog.